tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
