I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
