i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
