He had one of those small greek statue penises
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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