Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
