My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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