Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
