Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
