It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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