Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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