I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
