so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
