all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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