Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
