watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize