Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
