I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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