i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
