i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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