Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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