i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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