apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
