New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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