My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
