I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
