did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
