I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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