well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
