I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
