If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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