So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
