I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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