Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
