I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
