I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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