he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
