I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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