If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
