Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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