I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
