His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
