Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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