so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
