i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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