I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
