I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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