I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My underwear smells like fireworks.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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