I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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