I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
