she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
