Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
