My liver just broke up with me...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
