I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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