She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
