saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
