life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she looked like the before picture.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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