Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
