A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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